Monday, November 2, 2009

Inhale........Exhale........

I still can't believe that this is my life now, I still can't believe that this all happened. I am one of those that has to say,
" When Momma was alive" or My Mom just passed" and each time I hear myself saying this I am almost over come by the screaming in my head. O God! It is so loud that at times the the only thing that will silence it is something even louder. I feel overcome with emotion that I am totally unequipped to handle, She was my safe place, God gave her to me because only she really understands me and my emotions and the fact that I am not comfortable with being vulnerable at all. It hurts so much that I wouldn't even feel a knife stabbing me.

I can't get the thoughts of her laying there on the floor out of my head, I can see her beautiful hands laying there and even in death they are positioned perfect as if she is laying there like the Lady Of Shallot. The look on her face is peaceful, but I don't feel peace, I want to shake her and scream to everyone "Help her" "Help her" But I don't because I know that the only way to help her is to let her go. The people around me are shattered glass and I am just sitting there, holding my breath, not moving, not feeling, not breathing, but seeing, staring. I go on this way for weeks, months, hours and I get through the acceptable time for grieving and then it time to get back to the grind. I jump in full throttle , thinking this may relieve the pressure. It doesn't, It only intensifies. I am disturbed at how everyone keeps going even though my personal tragedy is right here!

Then it all hits, I take a breath, start moving, start feeling, still breathing, still seeing and still staring, Still hurting. This is my new life living among the hurt, among the pressure, among my tragedy.

4 comments:

Patti said...

And this is all normal. You have to go on for your baby and your husband and all the other people that love you.

You know your sweet Mother would want you to get past this. You know how happy she was that I love you just as much as she did. I am here for you my darling.

I could never replace her nor would I want to but I can and will be here for you always as a Mom and best friend.

These feeling will come and go throughout your life and you will face them each time. It will hurt and you will cry but you will get through this.

I love you Lori
God Bless You and hold your broken heart in his hands as it heals.
Mom

Anonymous said...

I pray for you daily! Hang on, he will never let go of you!

(Psalm 3:3)

Mica said...

Dearest Sister,
You are in my prayers. You are not alone my sweet, I am forever here for you. You and your family mean the world to me.... I am so blessed to have you in our life. I am so glad that we are able to talk almost every day, in which I hope has been a little healing for you. Though I know the grief is and will be there in your heart. I just hate to see you hurting.Thank you also for being there for me. I love you, Mica

Vickie said...

Lori, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. What you're going through is all normal. All you can do is each day, sometimes the next minute. I know you have wonderful support, so hang on to those people and let them help you.