Sunday, February 17, 2008

I Saw a Man I used to Love Today......

I saw a man I used to love today and a flood of emotions came surging back. I remembered wondering if he would ever notice me, or if he would ever really hear me. I had resigned myself to always loving him from afar, Friends and nothing more. Yes I was young, but Oh he was so important to me. I remember endless conversations of all the wrongs in his current relationships and sitting there raw as I listened to his hurts and sorrow and all the while screaming in my mind "Don't you see me? Can't you hear me?, Am I not pretty enough, It killed me that he never looked at me the way he looked at her. Who ever her was at the time. We were so close I just don't know how he didn't know that I loved him, I think I even remember one of the Her's calling me on it. We parted ways along time ago, not on the best of terms, for that love had turned to loathing as he suffered through his choices. I have thought of him often, right after we parted ways, the love turned to Loathing and then just indifference., until I just stopped considering him at all, until......

I saw him today and a flood of emotions came surging back and then I remembered why we had parted ways and then I felt pity, pity for the miserable soul he became, and now the big bad things became very small and less cumbersome. I can breathe, then without warning the pity left and then the familiar stir of love crept in and.....

It scared me at first, but then I realized that this love is actually a love for the man I knew once and not for the man in front of me, and then, came the contrast of what my life would have been as apposed to what it is now and had I not been in a Public Place I would have dropped to my knees and Thanked my Dear Heavenly father for his unanswered prayers, and Oh Dear GOD Thank you for not allowing him to hear or see me all those years, Thank you for protecting this gift of me, for had you not I would surely be DEAD right now, maybe not in the ground but had he loved me back I would be a Hollow, Miserable, Shell of a person right now who would have experienced more Pain and self loathing than on person could endure.

My encounter with him probably lasted for less than 15 minutes but this lesson will last a lifetime.


My Treasure Barn said...

Wow Lori
Glad you didn't end up with him. Besides the man you have now is perfect in my eyes.

I love you my daughter
Mama Chickki

nene said...

"God know exactly what he is doing and the plans he has set out for us, doesn't he?"

*Besides, you have a perfect family now..beautiful in so many ways!"

Raechelle Ivy said...

I love that Garth Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers". I remember when I went to Homecoming with my first husband when we were dating and saw my first love. I saw him and thanked God for unanswered prayers also.

Even though today I have respect for that first love, I know God was watching out for me.